Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
