That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
