I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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