i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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