ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
