why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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