Who did Billy Mays play for?
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Randomize
