I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Randomize
