billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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