At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
