Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
