Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
