i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
