I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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