im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
