I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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