Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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