btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
