i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
