Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
