What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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