What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
