Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Randomize
