don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I lost the right to judge tonight
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
