I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
