i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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