Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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