i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
