Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
