The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
