He uses pillows to masturbate.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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