saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
