Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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