Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
