I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
