i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
