I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
