i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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