omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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