i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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