1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Randomize
