I don't usually arrange sex via text message
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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