Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
