oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
