You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
