your parents love me but you hate me
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
