"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
