Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
