drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
