Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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