Will you blow on my dice?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
