I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
