Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
